So far, so good

I have been taking my medication as prescribed, and doing ok.  I don't feel that much different, but I feel like I am coming out of a gray cloud.  It was foggy in there and I was too tired to look for a way out.  I used to feel emotionally tired and physically exhausted a lot of the time.
Now I feel more here, more present in the moment.  Still can't think ahead too much, it's overwhelming to plan more than a few weeks ahead.
I was at my psych appointment last week.  The doctor said she would prescribe Gabapentin, that it would help me sleep, but it's not a sleep medication, so I won't become dependent on it.  It also won't knock me out.

When I got home, I researched the medication and it is another anti convulsant, but it's supposed to help with ADHD and anxiety.  I am looking forward to continued improvement.

The doctor also asked if I want to take more of the Lamictal, I could add to it and take 75mg.
I believe it will be best to wait until I start the new medication, then see how it works.  After that I can see if I would like to raise the dosage of Lamictal.  I rather not raise it unless I have to.

I took a short quiz through Psych Central.  It is scary to answer those questions.  I feel like I missed a whole list of symptoms  that I thought were due to bipolar.
Seems the ADHD symptoms were hidden under Bipolar symptoms.
I thought anyone with ADHD was hyper.  It just shows in me as anxiety, nervousness.

I should say I am shocked to read the symptoms.

I signed up to Psych Central forum, to be able to talk to others.  Not sure how that will go, but I think it's a good idea.

I just got the Lamictal in the mail.  Not sure why they sent me 100 mg pills.  I don't want to try to cut it in fourths..  EEEKK  well, I'll cut them in half and take the 50 mg.

it has been 13 days so far

Tomorrow is the 14th day.  I will double my dosage then.  The feeling I had of something changing is gone.  I feel like I did before, sleepy a lot and last night I couldn't sleep till about 1 am.  I kept tossing and turning and being OCD again.  My sex drive is still in neutral still.

I stopped having brain freeze with alcohol, I had slowed down a lot on it, but last night I had a little more than usual, I felt nothing, no buzz, nothing at all.  That was one of the reasons I kept drinking, I didn't feel any difference.  Only thing is, I couldn't sleep, and was so tired.

I am becoming more irritable and impatient, with myself and with others.  My impatience with things is bad too.  I don't take the time to put my glasses on, and just guess on which knob turns which burner on.  I get mad when I can't see the buttons for the radio in the car,so I poke everything.

Yesterday I forgot which button locks the car, I pushed the wrong one and set off the panic alarm. UGH!  I did that because I didn't have the patience to look at the key, so I pressed a button I thought was it.  I was just guessing.  At times I feel like throwing whatever it is I am trying to figure out.
I can't focus. I feel like my brain just refuses to assimilate anything.  I hope raising the dosage helps.
I am going to go to bed and try to sleep.  I was doing a bit better, now not so sure.

I have been off coffee since I started the medicine.  I had half a cup today, just because it tastes good.  It didn't do anything bad to me, or anything good either.

Progress

Today is Monday.  This past Friday, we went out to the legion to hang out with friends and have a couple of drinks.  I went slow on my drink, but somehow it gave me a terrible brain freeze.  It felt like one at least.  I slowed down and sipped on it, and still it was bad.  I took a break and didn't have a drink for an hour or a bit longer.  I had another drink and it did the same, I drank it at a usual pace, it still hurt my head.  Not a headache, but more of a brain freeze.  I had a ginger ale and then we went home.  The head thing dissipated, but I still didn't feel like a drink when we got home.   That is unusual for me.  I went to bed and tried to watch a movie as usual, but I just wanted to rest, and went to sleep.  That also is unusual.  I usually have a hard time falling asleep, sometimes I am up till midnight, just trying to sleep.  Then I would be up around 3, and awake for about an hour.  i try to sleep, really.
Now with this medication I sleep a little better.  Still wake up in the middle of the night, but I can fall asleep better.

Sunday we went to Tod and Kelly's house. I had some light wine and mixed it with Sierra Mist.  I didn't get brain freeze.  I had one cup of sangria at the end of the night, and I felt the brain freeze coming on, but I stopped drinking then and had soda.  When we got home, again..  I tried to watch a movie (habit) and had to turn it off and sleep.

My dreams are entertaining, different, so many things going on.  Most of them have meaning to me.  Like a patchwork quilt of highlights of life blended into an absurd story.  I forget most of it though and only remember pieces when I wake up. I used to remember it all, but since I got back in 2007 I keep dreaming stressful dreams or sad ones.  Lately it has not been so bad.

I don't feel that much different, maybe a tiny amount of being a bit more alive.  As if I was watching TV in black and white all this time, and now I see glimmers of colors in there.  Almost like an illusion or mirage.

I am so tired today, but it's been a long day.  We had to go to a funeral this morning, (Tony).  After that, to the legion and I went with KK to the store to bring pizza back for the legion.  After a soda, we went grocery shopping.  Then to organize groceries and go get a movie.  I came home I was so tired I didn't even want to eat.  I laid on the couch to watch the movie.  After that, I made myself get up and make icecream.  Dwight cleaned the kitchen counters and re organized.  i tried so hard to not freak out.  I have to mellow out and let him help me.  I cannot be so controlling, I have to remember that.  The counselor kept telling me that, that I may emasculate him by being so controlling.  :(  Not my intention at all.  But he never takes the lead, so I do, now it's just habit.

Anyway..  I noticed I am not thinking of food all the time, and not hungry all the time as usual.  Not sure if the medicine is doing it or not.  I have not had coffee since I started the meds.  I don't feel the need for it, and I do not feel irritable and nervous.  I also have not been having a headache from not having it, which is what usually happens.  I feel good!

This morning I had Kool Aid, then water,  I had a Diet soda at around noon maybe.  Then one slice of pizza (small slice) and a piece of chicken.  I then had more water, Kool Aid and now just had half a cup of Indian rice, just so it doesn't go bad.  (and now I was a bit hungry)  I feel good about this, I am not nervous hungry anymore.  I have hopes of loosing weight! (besides my head working hopefully)

Day 1 of this experiment

I took the pill about 9:15 pm last night.  I will put it in my purse and take with me tonight.  This way I don't have to run home when we are out.  I still had issues falling asleep.  I fell asleep around midnight.  I woke up at 2:45.  I got up but felt a bit drunk, nothing horrible, just a bit ditzy.  I went to the bathroom and tried to get back to sleep, but last time I was awake and looked at the time it was 4:11.
Anyway, I woke up a little before 8 and felt normal.  I don't have extra drowsiness or anything.  I noticed a tiny change though.  Not sure if it was the meds.  I woke up and I didn't feel reluctant to get up as usual.
Anyway, it is now 1:25 pm and I need a nap.  I am not sleepy.  This is my usual nap time, so it's not out of the ordinary.  I usually finish work by this time and take an hour nap to recharge.  It seems I am always tired.

Interactions

OK, so doctor said don't drink too much. Cut down. I can cut down, because I have not even felt like drinking lately anyway. I drink because I am trying to wake up, that's all. So, I researched this interaction with the medication, just to be safe. and.. it left me so confused. Are those not the usual symptoms of alcohol? or am I just not reading it right. I mean if I am drunk, I won't be able to concentrate, I will be dizzy, might be drowsy, and should not drive or use heavy machinery... just sayn'.

"Alcohol, (ethanol)

Moderate Drug Interaction

Using lamoTRIgine together with ethanol can increase nervous system side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience impairment in thinking and judgment. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with lamoTRIgine. Do not use more than the recommended dose of lamoTRIgine, and avoid activities requiring mental alertness such as driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medication affects you. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medication without first talking to your doctor."

Taken from:  http://www.drugs.com/food-interactions/lamotrigine,lamictal.html

Psych appointment

I had a psych appointment today.  I waited 2 months for it, maybe more.  Anyway, the last time I went they assigned me to a new doctor.  i have been off meds for a couple of years now.
I was on Wllbutrin for about three years, it was workin ok, not great but better than without.
After I had issues with panic while swallowing pills, I had to go on Prozac, which is liquid.  I looked it up and suggested it, the doctor said ok.  But all it did was make me more tired and sleepy.  I kept taking it for about 6 months or more.  One day I stopped because I was trying for a baby. That didn't work, but I didn't go back on meds.  I didn't see it helping anyway.

Well this year, I just got tired of being numb and tired.  I feel numb a lot and rarely do I have any ups anymore.  I used to have at least 2 manic days a month, during which I sued to clean the house good and catch up on things I put off.

I was assigned a new doctor, but last appotument was for meds and an initial consultation.  So I talked to someone for a while about how I felt and she asked me all the questions they needed.

I got there late today and was stressed.  I was literally running, because I was late.  The doctor was stern and told me she read my file and wondered if I was truly bipolar.  She asked if I am, how come I have not been on mood stabilizers.  I said they tried 2 on me and I couldn't even walk.  I fdrunartingk and couldn't walk, much less drive.  I spaced out while on duty in Iraq, and fell asleep on my desk doing a report.  I seriously didn't remember anything but starting my report and then waking up with a sticky note on my forehead.  My supervisor said he let me be because he knew I was on meds and was unsure about this.  I was not out long, but it scared me.
Anyway..  she said if I am truly bipolar, I need mood stabilizers.  She went over my symptoms.  She asked when the last time I had a manic episode.  I said I don't remember.  They used to happen once a month, 2 days.  I would suddenly get energy and clean the whole house, till 1 am sometimes.  I just would keep going and going.  I could do 5 things at once and still keep track.
I have not had one in a long time, and that is why I asked for help. I felt numb and detached most of the time.  I feel emotionally numb so much, I can barely feel sometimes.
She said this medication would help me.

While going over symptoms, she said she thinks I have ADD.  I am suspecting she is right.  I thought the inability to focus was part of bipolar.

I also just barely told Daniel about my OCD at night, and today I explained to the doctor why I can't rest at night.  When I cannot sleep because there is a wrinkle on the sheets, or my shirt is "chocking" me, or my hair isn't laying just right, or I itch.  Once I settle down, it's almost midnight and I still fidgety:

"I need lotion on my feet, wait, I need to clip that one nail that is catching on the sheets.  Oh now that I am in the living room, let me get a cookie.  Now that I have a cookie, I want a glass of juice to take to bed with me.  Now back in bed..  I want to go pee.  Now it's 1 am and I am finally in bed, staring like some weird owl.  Ok sleep...  Oh now I'm too hot, stick a leg out.  Nope, put leg back in, it feels like both legs should be in or out, not one.  Then I am hot, take the blankets off, sheet off.  Now I am cold, wait.. what time is it?  I need to be asleep!"

Problem is now hubby wants to put his arm around me, when I am barely getting to drift off to sleep, so I snap at him.  he gets his feelings hurt and I am now wide awake.  :(

Another thing.  The doctor said try to go easy on coffee, it will just make me irritable.  I said yes!  I love coffee, and I drink it trying to wake up, but I seem to only get irritable and still tired.  Plus the heartburn it causes sometimes.

OK..  so cut down on coffee, or get decaff.  Ugh bad word!    I love coffee because it is a comfort food for me, it doesn't make me wake up anymore. It used to in the 90s, but not now.

She also asked I slow down on alcohol, and try to not have it.  I said if the meds work, I won't want it.  Lately I am not even wanting any.  I am so tired that I cannot even choose to drink.  I just say yes to it hoping it will improve my mood.  And after a few it used to.  Now it doesn't even work like that.  I just feel so tired and not interested even in drinking.  It seems boring.  yes I said that.  SMH

Well I am going to write in here and track my progress. I take the first pill tonight.